Who needs Lost with all the drama in the NFL this week?
Reports of T.O. possibly, maybe staging his own death to join Biggie and Tupac are greatly exagerated, according to the police who revised their own reports. This is exactly what I was writing about before, about how everybody is going to treat this as if nothing happened. Whatever may or may not have happened, T.O. is troubled and needs help.
And apparently so is Albert Haynesworth. Why the hell isn’t he arrested? If I stomped on one of my co-workers’ head with my stiletto heels, I’d certainly be cuffed and I’d rightly find myself in a girl prison movie, not just told to stay home from work for five days.
Almost lost in all the drama was the slate of games. Here is our recap of the action that happened between the lines over the weekend:
Atlanta 32, Arizona 10: So the Saints draw up the blueprints on how to beat the Falcons and the Cardinals do not heed a word of it. Why did the Cards defend the pass against Vick? Crowd the box, people, crowd the box.
Dallas 45, Tennessee 14: Do the Titans even play football anymore? Can we export them and the Raiders to NFL Europe?
Indianapolis 31, N.Y. Jets 28: We are beginning to fall for Mangina’s style of football. What can we say? We’re chicks. He’s a Mangina and that’s exciting, just like that crazy Stanford Band play at the end of the game.
Houston 17, Miami 15: My gawd, Miami. We keep thinking that they will rally but they are looking more and more gawd-awful. Dreamy David Carr gets a win and the Texans will not go 0 for the season!
Buffalo 17, Minnesota 12: Loss Man is feeling his oats. One more win and we’ll have to change his name. The Vikes are killing themselves. Alikat is on brink herself.
Carolina 21, New Orleans 18: Even in the loss, Brees looked great. I wonder if Miami regrets going with Culpepper.
Baltimore 16, San Diego 13: Todd Heap should have been wrapped up and tackled at the 5. You can’t just throw a shoulder at that guy. He’s built like a tank.
Kansas City 41, San Francisco 0: Ugly. Alex Smith played like it was 2005. The Chiefs offense finally wakes up. Embarrassing.
St. Louis 41, Detroit 34: Wow. Really thought the Lions would pull this one out for Mike Martz. Apparently Linehan and the Rams still have some of Martz’s offensive nerdery.
Cleveland 24, Oakland 21: Leave it up to the Raiders to blow a 21-3 lead.
Washington 36, Jacksonville 30 (OT): Apparently Al Saunders has gotten past page 200 of his playbook and finally found the plays for Santana Moss. Great game.
New England 38, Cincinnati 13: Who dey? Oh, if you’ve forgotten, it’s the Patriots. Who dat? Lawrence Maroney. Where’s dat? It’s the endzone, Chad Johnson, remember that place?
Chicago 37, Seattle 6: Talk about punched in the mouth. It’s not like Shawn Alexander plays defense. If you’re holding your breath for Rex Grossman to get injured, so are we, but until then, Da’Bears are in a class of their own in the NFC.
Philadelphia 31, Green Bay 9: The game changed in the span of like 5 minutes in the 3rd quarter. Mary Milan paced around with her Favre jersey as the Packers let control of the game slip through their fingers. We are convinced Joe Theismann is on drugs for some of the ridiculous things he says.