Week 5 Games Recap

October 10, 2006

Fourteen games this past week and you probably could have gone down the line and predicted the outcome of each.  With the exception of the Colts and Titans game, it went pretty much according to script.

While we would never advocate missing a weekend of football, we do kind of wish we went out and spent the day at the spa with our other, less football friendly girlfriends.  What do you want, we are girls… 

Chicago 40, Buffalo 7: I think it’s about time we put away the childish questions about who the best team in the NFC is and whether or not the Bears can score.  It would have been a shut out if Buffalo didn’t score a garbage time TD at the end.   
  
Carolina 20, Cleveland 12: The Panthers look to have gotten their claws back after a slow start.  They’re going to get tougher and tougher to beat.     

Minnesota 26, Detroit 17:  Maybe the second best defense in the NFC is in Minnesota.  The Lions are again one or two years away.  
  
New England 20, Miami 10:  Are you serious?  The Patriots beat the Bengals handily and then have a hard time with Harrington’s Dolphins?  Alikat says that Culpepper may go down in history as the Damon Wayans character in The Last Boy Scout.

St. Louis 23, Green Bay 20: This is a game Favre would have won three years ago with a functional offensive line to block for him.  Don’t blame Brett.  Blame the front office in Green Bay.  
 
New Orleans 24, Tampa Bay 21:  Best game of the weekend.  Big day in the NFL for rookie QBs.  Bruce Gradkowski is dreamy and firey.  Chris Simms’ career in Tampa Bay is over.  On the otherhand, Reggie Bush’s career in New Orleans has just begun. 
  
Indianapolis 14, Tennessee 13:  So which is it?  Indy’s offense out of synch or was it the Titan’s buzzsaw defense that kept the game close?  Either way, it was pretty embarassing.  We love seeing Peyton doing his “I’m disappointed” chin strap pull so to us,  this game was a treat.  Though Vince Young throws like Uncle Rico, he doesn’t look easily rattled.

N.Y. Giants 19, Washington 3: 700-page playbooks are inconsistent because you have way too many plays to choose from.  The Giants are also finally able to play four quarters of football. 
   
Kansas City 23, Arizona 20: Matt Leinart apparently got his Paris Hilton STDs cleared up for this game.  Losing Larry Fitzgerald is big but it looks like Leinart is going to be fine.  Kansas City scores some more.
   
Jacksonville 41, N.Y. Jets 0: Jack Del Rio bitch slaps you down silly Mangina.   
  
San Francisco 34, Oakland 20: Brie and wine beats bricks and beer.       

Philadelphia 38, Dallas 24: What a letdown that the Philly fans didn’t throw batteries but what a great game. Even with the great play of the Eagle defense, Dallas still had a chance to win.  That won’t sit well in practice this week.  And Dallas fans, I don’t think you guys really want Tony Romo.  You may not want Bledsoe, but you don’t want Romo.  Where’s Drew Henson when you need him?     

San Diego 23, Pittsburgh 13: The Steelers just aren’t the same as last year, or at least not the same yet.  Give them a few more weeks.  Also, it’s not like the Chargers are chopped liver.  Maybe it’s time to acknowledge that Phillip Rivers is really an NFL quarterback, not just some kid who hands off to LT.     

Denver 13, Baltimore 3: What did you expect?  Denver’s defense is FAST.  Baltimore’s defense is GOOD.  Both offenses sputter.  Did you expect it to be a track meet?  Did you know the Vegas over/under was like 35 or something?  Crazy. 

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boys are stupid

October 3, 2006

Ever wonder why so many football players act so goddamn stupid?  See the recent incidents with Odell Thurman, Chris Henry, Koren Robinson, Albert Haynesworth, T.O., the list goes on and on and on and on.

Alikat, Mary Milan and I speculated last night while we ate pizza and watched the Monday Night game that it was due to the elevated levels of testasterone in these men’s body.  Studies have long shown that high levels of testasterone lead to high levels of aggression.  Well now, we actually have proof that excess testasterone makes you stupid, in fact, it “can lead to a catastrophic loss of brain cells.” 


Week 4 Games Recap

October 3, 2006

Who needs Lost with all the drama in the NFL this week?

Reports of T.O. possibly, maybe staging his own death to join Biggie and Tupac are greatly exagerated, according to the police who revised their own reports.  This is exactly what I was writing about before, about how everybody is going to treat this as if nothing happened.  Whatever may or may not have happened, T.O. is troubled and needs help.

And apparently so is Albert Haynesworth.  Why the hell isn’t he arrested?  If I stomped on one of my co-workers’ head with my stiletto heels, I’d certainly be cuffed and I’d rightly find myself in a girl prison movie, not just told to stay home from work for five days.

Almost lost in all the drama was the slate of games.  Here is our recap of the action that happened between the lines over the weekend: 

Atlanta 32, Arizona 10: So the Saints draw up the blueprints on how to beat the Falcons and the Cardinals do not heed a word of it.  Why did the Cards defend the pass against Vick?  Crowd the box, people, crowd the box.

Dallas 45, Tennessee 14:  Do the Titans even play football anymore?  Can we export them and the Raiders to NFL Europe?   

Indianapolis 31, N.Y. Jets 28:  We are beginning to fall for Mangina’s style of football.  What can we say?  We’re chicks.  He’s a Mangina and that’s exciting, just like that crazy Stanford Band play at the end of the game. 

Houston 17, Miami 15:  My gawd, Miami.  We keep thinking that they will rally but they are looking more and more gawd-awful.  Dreamy David Carr gets a win and the Texans will not go 0 for the season! 

Buffalo 17, Minnesota 12:  Loss Man is feeling his oats.  One more win and we’ll have to change his name.  The Vikes are killing themselves.  Alikat is on brink herself.     
 
Carolina 21, New Orleans 18: Even in the loss, Brees looked great.  I wonder if Miami regrets going with Culpepper.   

Baltimore 16, San Diego 13: Todd Heap should have been wrapped up and tackled at the 5.  You can’t just throw a shoulder at that guy.  He’s built like a tank.   
 
Kansas City 41, San Francisco 0: Ugly.   Alex Smith played like it was 2005.  The Chiefs offense finally wakes up.  Embarrassing.      
   
St. Louis 41, Detroit 34: Wow.  Really thought the Lions would pull this one out for Mike Martz.  Apparently Linehan and the Rams still have some of Martz’s offensive nerdery.

Cleveland 24, Oakland 21: Leave it up to the Raiders to blow a 21-3 lead.   

Washington 36, Jacksonville 30 (OT): Apparently Al Saunders has gotten past page 200 of his playbook and finally found the plays for Santana Moss.  Great game. 

New England 38, Cincinnati 13: Who dey?  Oh, if you’ve forgotten, it’s the Patriots.  Who dat?  Lawrence Maroney.  Where’s dat?  It’s the endzone, Chad Johnson, remember that place?   

Chicago 37, Seattle 6: Talk about punched in the mouth.  It’s not like Shawn Alexander plays defense.  If you’re holding your breath for Rex Grossman to get injured, so are we, but until then, Da’Bears are in a  class of their own in the NFC.     

Philadelphia 31, Green Bay 9: The game changed in the span of like 5 minutes in the 3rd quarter.  Mary Milan paced around with her Favre jersey as the Packers let control of the game slip through their fingers.  We are convinced Joe Theismann is on drugs for some of the ridiculous things he says.    


Terrell Owens Tries to Commit Suicide (or not)

September 27, 2006

Why are we not surprised?  I remember a car ride back from Dodger stadium about year ago, when the Terrell Owens situation was just beginning with the Eagles and Donovan McNabb, Alikat and I speculated that the only explanation for his Owens’ behavior was that he had real, serious mental issues.  I think I said something like, “Sad isn’t it that he is so spectacularly talented and so immensely fucked up.”  We hope he’s able to get the help he needs.

UPDATE:

The the official story has changed.  According to T.O., he didn’t actually want to take a permanent timeout from life. 

Again, we’re not surprised. 

Owens is a man who needs a lot of help.  We hope that Parcells and team officials, other Cowboys, and those around him will not, like Dan Le Retard, let this go just because T.O. says he’s fine (just because Owens is open about his history of self-destructiveness doesn’t make him any less self-destructive), and that they are brave enough to confront him get him the help he needs. 


Week 3 Games Recap

September 26, 2006

After a particularly dreary Saturday shopping, I woke up on Sunday morning depressed.  

I mean really – who really wants to stand in line at H&M and then furthermore, wear skinny pants?  Is there another cut of pants that can make my hips look wider?  I defy anyone to find someone who actually looks good in tapered pants – it’s just not a good look!  Not even Audrey looks good in them and if Audrey doesn’t look good, no one will.  And leggings?  Some trends need to stay in the 80’s.  Give me New Wave Music and John Hughes and you can keep skinny pants and leggings.

But then my spirits were lifted by the beginning of Statement Sunday and then followed by Rebirth Monday!  Whew, what a weekend! 

Later this week, Alikat will give you a rundown on our picks, which has our pocketbooks hurting a little.  I guess no skinny pants for me.  Thank the lord for small miracles.   Until then, here’s our patented, hurry up, no-huddle, two-minute recap of this weekend’s games:

Carolina 26, Tampa Bay 24:  Steve Smith comes back and Keyshawn has a monster day against his former team.  Would it be tasteless to say that due to his less than stellar play Chucky cut out Chris Simms’ spleen like he was the kid in Child’s Play?  Simms wins our tough cookie award for playing the rest of the game with a ruptured spleen. 

Chicago 19, Minnesota 16:  Tough fought game and a hard break for Alikat and the Vikes.  The Bears are neither cute nor cuddly and with this news, the NFC should be afraid. 
  
Cincinnati 28, Pittsburgh 20: The Steelers often looked confused but don’t count on another performance like that as they get deeper into the season.  Maybe the only way the Bengals can be stopped is if the team gets arrested, which isn’t out of the realm of imagination.
   
Green Bay 31, Detroit 24:  Mary Milan rejoiced as Favre joined Dan Marino in the exclusive 400 TD club.  It was nice to see Favre jump around like a kid again.  Rod Marinelli may be the only good choice Matt Millen has made in his tenure as Lions GM.      
    
Indianapolis 21, Jacksonville 14: The Jags just need some backbone to become a true power in the AFC South.  Indy should be quaking in their boots, if it weren’t for that punt return TD, the game might have turned out differently.  It’s not going to take long for the Jags to punch the Colts in the teeth.
   
N.Y. Jets 28, Buffalo 20: If you look at the stat line, you’d guess that Buffalo won big, but stats never tell the whole story.  Chalk up another loss for the young Losman.  And maybe we were wrong, maybe it’s not so hard to get it up to play for a Mangina.  Crotchery  Cotchery only caught 3 passes.  Mangina must be angry at him.
   
Miami 13, Tennessee 10: Imagine if the Fins had lost this game…yeesh.  Imagine Ronnie Brown in a pair of skinny pants…triple wide load yeesh!!!  
    
Washington 31, Houston 15: Apparently 700-page playbooks work really well against the worst team in the NFL.  Al Saunders isn’t an offensive genius.  He’s a bully.  I think David Carr is dreamy.  I just want to take care of him each time he gets hit.
     
Baltimore 15, Cleveland 14: Romeo, oh Romeo!  Where for art thou run up the middle late in the game?!  Clock management and tactics!  These are lessons that you should have learned from Bill Belichick.  The Ravens new offense sure looked a lot like their old offense.  
    
Seattle 42, N.Y. Giants 30: The Giants should just spot their opponents four touchdowns and play the 4th quarter.  It would cut down on the wear and tear of their players and they’ll win most of those games.  As for Seattle and Shaun Alexander, we got three words for you: Madden Cover Curse.
   
Philadelphia 38, San Francisco 24: While the 49ers showed that they are spunky, putting up a fight after half, how the hell are they going to let 300+ pounder Mike Patterson rumble 98-yards for a touchdown?  Every team needs a Ben Watson.  On the Eagles side, I’m glad Patterson scored.  It’s about time one of these big DTs made it to the house.  

St. Louis 16, Arizona 14: Not only is Kurt Warner’s motherboard damaged, his hard drive has crashed.  Any QB with the weapons he has should be putting up 30 points per game. 

Denver 17, New England 7: New England looks flat.  It’s what happens when you lose your heart and soul (Adam Vinatieri).  Good on Jake Plummer for trying to not beat his own team this week.

New Orleans 23, Atlanta 3: I can’t imagine what it would have been like for the Falcons last night when the entire nation – except for a smattering of fans in Georgia – rooted against them.  I don’t think that’s why they lost; it might be that they just aren’t that good.  Don’t be surprised because the Saints might just be that good.  

Lazziez les bon temps rouler!


Week 3 Picks

September 23, 2006

I’m back after a long week of workin’ hard for my money! This girl needs a foot massage, cold beer, and a lot of football plus a little somthin’ extra!  I had a great week SU going 12-4,  but was a little pissed that some big teams didn’t take care of point spreads like they should have,  going just 9-7 ATS.

Bring it on this Sunday as we have a slew of great games!  Do the Jags keep rollin’?  The big mouth Chad Johnson is ready to fight back!  Bears vs Vikes in the Black & Blue Division!  Carolina and the Bucs fighting to stay alive already!  Are the Ravens due for another Shutout?  Turn on the AC/DC and let’s get to pickin’!  As always  SU-Straight Up and ATS-Against the Spread

1. Jets at Bills -6                          SU: Bills    ATS: Jets

2. Bengals at Steelers -1             SU: Steelers  ATS: Steelers

3. Jags at Colts -7                         SU: Jags       ATS: Jags

4. Titans at Dolphins -11             SU: Dolphins     ATS: Dolphins

5. Redskins at Texans +4            SU: Redskins     ATS: Redskins

6. Bears at Vikings +4                  SU: Vikings        ATS: Vikings

7. Panthers at Bucs +3                 SU: Panthers      ATS: Panthers

8. Packers at Lions -7                  SU: Lions             ATS: Packers

9. Ravens at Browns +7               SU: Ravens         ATS: Ravens

10. Rams at Cardinals -4 1/2      SU: Cardinals      ATS: Rams

11. Giants at Seahawks -3 1/2    SU: Giants           ATS: Giants

12. Eagles at 49ers +6 1/2           SU: Eagles           ATS: Eagles

13. Broncos at Patriots -7            SU: Patriots         ATS: Broncos

14. Falcons at Saints +4               SU: Falcons          ATS: Falcons

There they are guys!  The games I really like are: Ravens to cover vs Browns,  Jacksonville to beat the ATS vs Colts,  Jets to beat ATS vs Bills, Vikings to beat ATS vs Bears, Giants to beat ATS vs Seahawks, and Falcons to cover vs Saints!

Lots of underdogs this Sunday!  I always like more bite than bark in my boys! Well it’s time for the girls to go shopping for some new jeans and shoes.  We’ll see ya all at the bars this Sunday!

Luv ya!  Alikat and the girls–


Week 2 Games Recap

September 19, 2006

While we love Gregg Easterbrook and his 5,000 word column Tuesday Morning Quarterback (nerds are sexy; football nerds are sexier), we’re all about brevity (with the big exception of activities inside the boudoir).

With that in mind, grab on to your socks because here we go with another round of the quickest recap available on the web:

Buffalo 16, Miami 6: The Loss Man gets a win; Culpepper and the Fins look confused.

Minnesota 16, Carolina 13 (OT): Ryan Longwell for MVP; John Fox’s Twin Cities Nightmare.

Cincinnati 34, Cleveland 17: Who’s surprised that Who Dey is 2-0?; News flash: Kellen Winslow played in two games and barring injury in practice, he will play next weekend.

Chicago 34, Detroit 7: Chicago can score (against Detroit); Just because the Lions hung with the Super Bowl champs, doesn’t mean they’re actually good.

Indianapolis 43, Houston 24: Indy’s run game and defense are still suspect; Imagine if David Carr was on a semi-good team – it’s frightening how good he could be.

New Orleans 34, Green Bay 27: Dreamy Drew Brees’ arm is fine; Dreamy Brett Favre looks like her can play for another few years.

N.Y. Giants 30, Philadelphia 24 (OT): A false start, great finish; What a devastating loss for the Eagles, of the game and of Jevon Kearse.

Baltimore 28, Oakland 6: It’s the DT track club with Haloti Ngata last week Kelly Gregg this week gassing out on fumble recoveries; Hey, Terdell Sands played well for the Raiders. And on the bright side, I guarantee they won’t lose next week.

Atlanta 14, Tampa Bay 3: Atlanta looks good in the dirrrrty south; Another game like that and Jon Gruden is going to kill Chris Simms like he was in Child’s Play.

Seattle 21, Arizona 10: Seattle is the All-Average defending NFC champs; Kurt Warner’s motherboard must have gotten damaged again.

San Francisco 20, St. Louis 13: The kids are all right in SF; Ball control offense doesn’t necessarily equal a win in St. Louis.

Denver 9, Kansas City 6 (OT): Jake Plummer looks like he’s writing his ticket out of Denver; Come on Herm, you held them to 9 points. Now, you gotta score 10. I wonder if the loss of a 700 page playbook has anything to do with this.

New England 24, N.Y. Jets 17: Belichick bitch slaps the Mangina who left his stable of man whores; Crotchery Cotchery is quite a find for Mangina Mangini. Pennington still throws like a girl.

San Diego 40, Tennessee 7: Shawne Merriman as good as Junior Seau? As good as Lawrence Taylor?; Vince Young throws like Unlce Rico in Napoleon Dynamite.

Dallas 27, Washington 10: T.O. breaks finger and the Cowboys are glad that “Team Cancer” will be in remission for a few weeks; 700 page playbook and $2.5 million salary on offense and all Washington has to show is 26 points in two games?

Jacksonville 9, Pittsburgh 0: Loved Mike Williams’ intro of the Jaguar defense: “Linebackers – just three guys that hit everything that moves. Secondary – just 4 guys that cover everything that moves.”; We found Joey Porter’s impression of Dave Chappelle doing Howard Dean to be lacking, possibly even gay.

Alikat will be posting her picks recap later on in the day. By my quick count, we did pretty good!