Jake “Porn Star” Plummer (hey Jake, women, on the whole, don’t like it when their men look like gay porn stars) learned today that he will not have to face a jury for the road rage incident he was involved earlier this summer. All he has to do is pay $26 for damages and stay out of trouble for the next nine months.
Athletes, I tell ya.
O.J. kills his wife and her boyfriend and he gets off. Plummer kicks in a headlight and backs his SUV into another car and he gets off with $26 in damages.
I want to be a pro athlete so I can act a fool and get off scott free, too. It sounds like fun. The problem is that the respect and deference afforded to pro male athletes are not afforded to pro female atheles (mostly because the WNBA sucks).
What to do. I know, I’ll become a pro football player. It’ll be just like that movie Just One of the Guys. I’m 5’10”, a buck forty, ran track, I could probably play running back.
Yeah, that’s it – put me in the Broncos backfield this year. What am I doing? Writing the blog?
Besides, who the hell knows what’s going on back there this year anyway? Which Bell will be rung to become the next great Broncos running? Tatum Bell? His competition, Mike Bell, wasn’t even drafted. I wasn’t drafted either. You put in there, in that one cut system, running behind the best offensive line in the game and I’d gain at least 1,000 yards. And for a girl, that’s like 3,000 yards…
And then I would run around causing all sorts of trouble. I’d kick in headlights, poop in people’s coffee, headbutt chihuahuas, break into peoples homes just to prove that I could and get off with a slap on the wrist because I’m a cute girl playing in the NFL. I’d be living the dream. But that’s just what I’d do…
Anyway, back to the Broncos. They say Super Bowl bound possibly. I say Jake Plummer will self-destruct in the playoffs. Plummer is sort of what you get when you mix the bad parts of Brett Favre and the the bad parts of Peyton Manning. Since they are both Future Hall of Famers, their bad parts combine to get you a pretty good quarterback who throws ill advised passes and chokes.
Coach Mike Shanahan and defensive coordinator Larry Coyer have a young, solid, quick, and very aggressive defense which will be fun to watch.
The Broncos will win the AFC East almost certainly (if they call me to be their starting running back). If not, they’ll be last.