Terrell Owens Tries to Commit Suicide (or not)

September 27, 2006

Why are we not surprised?  I remember a car ride back from Dodger stadium about year ago, when the Terrell Owens situation was just beginning with the Eagles and Donovan McNabb, Alikat and I speculated that the only explanation for his Owens’ behavior was that he had real, serious mental issues.  I think I said something like, “Sad isn’t it that he is so spectacularly talented and so immensely fucked up.”  We hope he’s able to get the help he needs.


The the official story has changed.  According to T.O., he didn’t actually want to take a permanent timeout from life. 

Again, we’re not surprised. 

Owens is a man who needs a lot of help.  We hope that Parcells and team officials, other Cowboys, and those around him will not, like Dan Le Retard, let this go just because T.O. says he’s fine (just because Owens is open about his history of self-destructiveness doesn’t make him any less self-destructive), and that they are brave enough to confront him get him the help he needs. 


Week 3 Games Recap

September 26, 2006

After a particularly dreary Saturday shopping, I woke up on Sunday morning depressed.  

I mean really – who really wants to stand in line at H&M and then furthermore, wear skinny pants?  Is there another cut of pants that can make my hips look wider?  I defy anyone to find someone who actually looks good in tapered pants – it’s just not a good look!  Not even Audrey looks good in them and if Audrey doesn’t look good, no one will.  And leggings?  Some trends need to stay in the 80’s.  Give me New Wave Music and John Hughes and you can keep skinny pants and leggings.

But then my spirits were lifted by the beginning of Statement Sunday and then followed by Rebirth Monday!  Whew, what a weekend! 

Later this week, Alikat will give you a rundown on our picks, which has our pocketbooks hurting a little.  I guess no skinny pants for me.  Thank the lord for small miracles.   Until then, here’s our patented, hurry up, no-huddle, two-minute recap of this weekend’s games:

Carolina 26, Tampa Bay 24:  Steve Smith comes back and Keyshawn has a monster day against his former team.  Would it be tasteless to say that due to his less than stellar play Chucky cut out Chris Simms’ spleen like he was the kid in Child’s Play?  Simms wins our tough cookie award for playing the rest of the game with a ruptured spleen. 

Chicago 19, Minnesota 16:  Tough fought game and a hard break for Alikat and the Vikes.  The Bears are neither cute nor cuddly and with this news, the NFC should be afraid. 
Cincinnati 28, Pittsburgh 20: The Steelers often looked confused but don’t count on another performance like that as they get deeper into the season.  Maybe the only way the Bengals can be stopped is if the team gets arrested, which isn’t out of the realm of imagination.
Green Bay 31, Detroit 24:  Mary Milan rejoiced as Favre joined Dan Marino in the exclusive 400 TD club.  It was nice to see Favre jump around like a kid again.  Rod Marinelli may be the only good choice Matt Millen has made in his tenure as Lions GM.      
Indianapolis 21, Jacksonville 14: The Jags just need some backbone to become a true power in the AFC South.  Indy should be quaking in their boots, if it weren’t for that punt return TD, the game might have turned out differently.  It’s not going to take long for the Jags to punch the Colts in the teeth.
N.Y. Jets 28, Buffalo 20: If you look at the stat line, you’d guess that Buffalo won big, but stats never tell the whole story.  Chalk up another loss for the young Losman.  And maybe we were wrong, maybe it’s not so hard to get it up to play for a Mangina.  Crotchery  Cotchery only caught 3 passes.  Mangina must be angry at him.
Miami 13, Tennessee 10: Imagine if the Fins had lost this game…yeesh.  Imagine Ronnie Brown in a pair of skinny pants…triple wide load yeesh!!!  
Washington 31, Houston 15: Apparently 700-page playbooks work really well against the worst team in the NFL.  Al Saunders isn’t an offensive genius.  He’s a bully.  I think David Carr is dreamy.  I just want to take care of him each time he gets hit.
Baltimore 15, Cleveland 14: Romeo, oh Romeo!  Where for art thou run up the middle late in the game?!  Clock management and tactics!  These are lessons that you should have learned from Bill Belichick.  The Ravens new offense sure looked a lot like their old offense.  
Seattle 42, N.Y. Giants 30: The Giants should just spot their opponents four touchdowns and play the 4th quarter.  It would cut down on the wear and tear of their players and they’ll win most of those games.  As for Seattle and Shaun Alexander, we got three words for you: Madden Cover Curse.
Philadelphia 38, San Francisco 24: While the 49ers showed that they are spunky, putting up a fight after half, how the hell are they going to let 300+ pounder Mike Patterson rumble 98-yards for a touchdown?  Every team needs a Ben Watson.  On the Eagles side, I’m glad Patterson scored.  It’s about time one of these big DTs made it to the house.  

St. Louis 16, Arizona 14: Not only is Kurt Warner’s motherboard damaged, his hard drive has crashed.  Any QB with the weapons he has should be putting up 30 points per game. 

Denver 17, New England 7: New England looks flat.  It’s what happens when you lose your heart and soul (Adam Vinatieri).  Good on Jake Plummer for trying to not beat his own team this week.

New Orleans 23, Atlanta 3: I can’t imagine what it would have been like for the Falcons last night when the entire nation – except for a smattering of fans in Georgia – rooted against them.  I don’t think that’s why they lost; it might be that they just aren’t that good.  Don’t be surprised because the Saints might just be that good.  

Lazziez les bon temps rouler!

Week 3 Picks

September 23, 2006

I’m back after a long week of workin’ hard for my money! This girl needs a foot massage, cold beer, and a lot of football plus a little somthin’ extra!  I had a great week SU going 12-4,  but was a little pissed that some big teams didn’t take care of point spreads like they should have,  going just 9-7 ATS.

Bring it on this Sunday as we have a slew of great games!  Do the Jags keep rollin’?  The big mouth Chad Johnson is ready to fight back!  Bears vs Vikes in the Black & Blue Division!  Carolina and the Bucs fighting to stay alive already!  Are the Ravens due for another Shutout?  Turn on the AC/DC and let’s get to pickin’!  As always  SU-Straight Up and ATS-Against the Spread

1. Jets at Bills -6                          SU: Bills    ATS: Jets

2. Bengals at Steelers -1             SU: Steelers  ATS: Steelers

3. Jags at Colts -7                         SU: Jags       ATS: Jags

4. Titans at Dolphins -11             SU: Dolphins     ATS: Dolphins

5. Redskins at Texans +4            SU: Redskins     ATS: Redskins

6. Bears at Vikings +4                  SU: Vikings        ATS: Vikings

7. Panthers at Bucs +3                 SU: Panthers      ATS: Panthers

8. Packers at Lions -7                  SU: Lions             ATS: Packers

9. Ravens at Browns +7               SU: Ravens         ATS: Ravens

10. Rams at Cardinals -4 1/2      SU: Cardinals      ATS: Rams

11. Giants at Seahawks -3 1/2    SU: Giants           ATS: Giants

12. Eagles at 49ers +6 1/2           SU: Eagles           ATS: Eagles

13. Broncos at Patriots -7            SU: Patriots         ATS: Broncos

14. Falcons at Saints +4               SU: Falcons          ATS: Falcons

There they are guys!  The games I really like are: Ravens to cover vs Browns,  Jacksonville to beat the ATS vs Colts,  Jets to beat ATS vs Bills, Vikings to beat ATS vs Bears, Giants to beat ATS vs Seahawks, and Falcons to cover vs Saints!

Lots of underdogs this Sunday!  I always like more bite than bark in my boys! Well it’s time for the girls to go shopping for some new jeans and shoes.  We’ll see ya all at the bars this Sunday!

Luv ya!  Alikat and the girls–

Week 2 Games Recap

September 19, 2006

While we love Gregg Easterbrook and his 5,000 word column Tuesday Morning Quarterback (nerds are sexy; football nerds are sexier), we’re all about brevity (with the big exception of activities inside the boudoir).

With that in mind, grab on to your socks because here we go with another round of the quickest recap available on the web:

Buffalo 16, Miami 6: The Loss Man gets a win; Culpepper and the Fins look confused.

Minnesota 16, Carolina 13 (OT): Ryan Longwell for MVP; John Fox’s Twin Cities Nightmare.

Cincinnati 34, Cleveland 17: Who’s surprised that Who Dey is 2-0?; News flash: Kellen Winslow played in two games and barring injury in practice, he will play next weekend.

Chicago 34, Detroit 7: Chicago can score (against Detroit); Just because the Lions hung with the Super Bowl champs, doesn’t mean they’re actually good.

Indianapolis 43, Houston 24: Indy’s run game and defense are still suspect; Imagine if David Carr was on a semi-good team – it’s frightening how good he could be.

New Orleans 34, Green Bay 27: Dreamy Drew Brees’ arm is fine; Dreamy Brett Favre looks like her can play for another few years.

N.Y. Giants 30, Philadelphia 24 (OT): A false start, great finish; What a devastating loss for the Eagles, of the game and of Jevon Kearse.

Baltimore 28, Oakland 6: It’s the DT track club with Haloti Ngata last week Kelly Gregg this week gassing out on fumble recoveries; Hey, Terdell Sands played well for the Raiders. And on the bright side, I guarantee they won’t lose next week.

Atlanta 14, Tampa Bay 3: Atlanta looks good in the dirrrrty south; Another game like that and Jon Gruden is going to kill Chris Simms like he was in Child’s Play.

Seattle 21, Arizona 10: Seattle is the All-Average defending NFC champs; Kurt Warner’s motherboard must have gotten damaged again.

San Francisco 20, St. Louis 13: The kids are all right in SF; Ball control offense doesn’t necessarily equal a win in St. Louis.

Denver 9, Kansas City 6 (OT): Jake Plummer looks like he’s writing his ticket out of Denver; Come on Herm, you held them to 9 points. Now, you gotta score 10. I wonder if the loss of a 700 page playbook has anything to do with this.

New England 24, N.Y. Jets 17: Belichick bitch slaps the Mangina who left his stable of man whores; Crotchery Cotchery is quite a find for Mangina Mangini. Pennington still throws like a girl.

San Diego 40, Tennessee 7: Shawne Merriman as good as Junior Seau? As good as Lawrence Taylor?; Vince Young throws like Unlce Rico in Napoleon Dynamite.

Dallas 27, Washington 10: T.O. breaks finger and the Cowboys are glad that “Team Cancer” will be in remission for a few weeks; 700 page playbook and $2.5 million salary on offense and all Washington has to show is 26 points in two games?

Jacksonville 9, Pittsburgh 0: Loved Mike Williams’ intro of the Jaguar defense: “Linebackers – just three guys that hit everything that moves. Secondary – just 4 guys that cover everything that moves.”; We found Joey Porter’s impression of Dave Chappelle doing Howard Dean to be lacking, possibly even gay.

Alikat will be posting her picks recap later on in the day. By my quick count, we did pretty good!

Jacksonville Jaguars

September 18, 2006

Heading into the Monday Night football game against the Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the main story was how the Jaguars don’t get any respect. You couldn’t go two seconds without hearing someone say, “Well, they beat America’s team last week and no one cared but if they beat Pittsburgh tonight, then people will take notice.”

Hello? They were 12-4 last year. That’s not exactly weak sauce. That’s actually muy picante!

Since we haven’t written a preview for the Jaguars (until now) we must admit that we too are part of the national media conspiracy against the Jaguars. And don’t you Jaguar fans start in on us, you booed Leftwich last week against the Cowboys in the first quarter until they got it together.

If it makes you feel any better, we neglected the entire AFC South, which includes the Colts, a team that many have picked to go to the Super Bowl so there are no biases here.

Anyway, the Jaguars beat the Steelers tonight. Keep in mind, it was a Steelers team that had a appendix-less Roethlisberger, a one-armed Troy Polamalu, and a comfortable in his sexuality Joey Porter. If the Jags can go into Indy and stick it to them next week, we’ll join the bandwagon.

Until then, the Jags are a team led by a solid defense with a good QB blessed with a rocket arm in Leftwich and basically three big and tall possession receivers in Matt Jones, Reggie Williams, and Ernest Wilford. Fred Taylor is a weapon if he can stay healthy. As they proved tonight, they can move the ball but they will need to be able to punch it into the end zone if they want to unseat the Colts at the top of the division.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

September 16, 2006

Here’s Chucky! I know Jon Gruden hates that nickname, but come on! He still looks like your young Science teacher/Volleyball coach from high school who would scream at you for missing that ‘set’ or not understanding your chemistry equations.

Chris Simms is ready to take off this year (we’ll see…) and make people forget about his Daddy. The Bucs got a great ride in Cadillac Williams and what more can you say about that D. Although starting to show some age I think they have one more great year left in the tank.

The Bucs are tough to beat in Florida! If Simms takes off, Cadillac runs smooth, and the old men on D stay healthy Chucky will be smiling (intensely of course) well into January!

New Orleans Saints

September 16, 2006

Bush is coming to town! Thankfully for the Saints fans it’s the one who actually knows how to do his job!

Sean Payton must have felt like he just took a hit of ‘The Chronic’ when he received word telling him the Texans signed Mario Williams before the draft. The spirits shined down on Orleans that night for once this past year. Possibly the next Gale Sayers (very sexy moves) in the backfield, Bush will be joined by Drew Brees (QB) coming off shoulder surgery. Brees is a great competitor with some things to prove after being left at the curb by the Chargers in the off-season.

The big problem with the Saints this year will still be their defense. Ranked in the bottom 5 in rushing defense and points per game allowed the Saints will have a difficult time stopping all the good running backs in their division (possibly the toughest in the league).

I see some upsets this year for the city of Orleans! Good times are on the horizon, but you’ll have to wait until next year to really crank up the party down on Bourbon Street!