Green Bay Packers

The question every Packer fan should be asking themselves this season is: “What’s better? Seeing Brett Favre play or the Packers win?”

You’d be an idiot, a cold heart-less monster, or both if you gave any answer other than “Seeing Brett Favre play…dumbass”.

In a perfect world where all children were healthy, no one drove PT cruisers, and all men opened doors for women, Brett Favre would play AND the Packers would have a winning season.

Sadly, just today I saw a young man breeze by a homely-looking women leaving her in the dust to deal with a door and two bags on her own (boys, the opening-the-door thing applies to all women, not just hot ones).

The Packers are going to lose this year and I’m okay with that. It won’t be Brett’s fault. Even if he goes crazy and sets the records for picked passes this year, the youth of the team and the crappiness of the offensive line would have made them lose anyway.

I say, “have at it Brett, throw your heart out”. Just don’t rack up enough interceptions to put Aaron Rogers in. I would rather make-out with Shaun Rogers than see Aaron R. play.

This season, I’m going to sit back, study Favre’s form, and cheer as the Packers turn in one of their worst seasons in the last 10 years. Who knows, by season’s end maybe the O-line will have improved enough that Ahman Green will be doing some damage.

Speaking of the O-line, have I mentioned that I’ll be studying Favre’s form?

Oakland Raiders of Los Angeles

My guy friends always ask me for hints on how they can short circuit women’s screening processes in order to get in their pants. Unfortunately, I’m not the best gal to ask because my test is simply this:

“Are you a Raiders fan?”

If they say “Hell no,” then it’s on.

A “Hell yeah!” results in my legs shutting quicker than a bear trap.

It’s something about the Black Hole and Raider Nation that just screams trouble. And I know I am generalizing but I’ve never once  met a nice, intelligent, card carrying, face painting, spike wearing member of the Raider Nation.

So sorry (haha) to report that it’s likely going to be another year of misery for you meat heads. If that undersized cap on his big, bulbous head hasn’t cut off all the circulation to his brain, Art Shell should use whatever football smarts he has left and start Andrew Walter who is smart and has a good arm. They should have stayed away from Aaron Brooks and named Walter the starting QB when they let Kerry Collins go.

The defense is supposedly good, they do have Randy Moss, LaMont Jordan, and they did go undefeated in the playoffs so maybe I should consider them a bit more seriously…

Okay, how’s this: they might be the better team in the Bay Area, which isn’t saying a whole lot.

[Credit where credit is due: Al Davis was a genius back in the day and a pioneer in the league. That's it.]

Denver Broncos

Jake “Porn Star” Plummer (hey Jake, women, on the whole, don’t like it when their men look like gay porn stars) learned today that he will not have to face a jury for the road rage incident he was involved earlier this summer. All he has to do is pay $26 for damages and stay out of trouble for the next nine months.

Athletes, I tell ya.

O.J. kills his wife and her boyfriend and he gets off. Plummer kicks in a headlight and backs his SUV into another car and he gets off with $26 in damages.

I want to be a pro athlete so I can act a fool and get off scott free, too. It sounds like fun. The problem is that the respect and deference afforded to pro male athletes are not afforded to pro female atheles (mostly because the WNBA sucks).

What to do. I know, I’ll become a pro football player. It’ll be just like that movie Just One of the Guys. I’m 5′10″, a buck forty, ran track, I could probably play running back.

Yeah, that’s it – put me in the Broncos backfield this year. What am I doing? Writing the blog?

Besides, who the hell knows what’s going on back there this year anyway? Which Bell will be rung to become the next great Broncos running? Tatum Bell? His competition, Mike Bell, wasn’t even drafted. I wasn’t drafted either. You put in there, in that one cut system, running behind the best offensive line in the game and I’d gain at least 1,000 yards. And for a girl, that’s like 3,000 yards…

And then I would run around causing all sorts of trouble. I’d kick in headlights, poop in people’s coffee, headbutt chihuahuas, break into peoples homes just to prove that I could and get off with a slap on the wrist because I’m a cute girl playing in the NFL. I’d be living the dream. But that’s just what I’d do…

Anyway, back to the Broncos. They say Super Bowl bound possibly. I say Jake Plummer will self-destruct in the playoffs. Plummer is sort of what you get when you mix the bad parts of Brett Favre and the the bad parts of Peyton Manning. Since they are both Future Hall of Famers, their bad parts combine to get you a pretty good quarterback who throws ill advised passes and chokes.

Coach Mike Shanahan and defensive coordinator Larry Coyer have a young, solid, quick, and very aggressive defense which will be fun to watch.

The Broncos will win the AFC East almost certainly (if they call me to be their starting running back). If not, they’ll be last.

Washington Redskins

It’s fitting that I am writing the Redskins preview on the day that Clinton Portis received his plaque inducting him into the Deadspin Hall of Fame for his post game interview characters. 

Portis’ comedic characters likely kept the mood in the locker room light and obviously was the reason why the ‘Skins went on their late run to make the playoffs last season.  My favorite was Coach Janky Spanky and his defensive scheme to stop Clinton Portis – clone a few extra Sean Taylor’s to crowd the box.

Unfortunately, Portis’ status is unclear for the beginning of this season.  TJ Duckett and Ladell Betts may do a good job filling in on the field, but they lack Portis’ acting skills.

As per usual, Dan Synder used the off season to pick up a bunch of new toys acquisitions: Antwan Randle-El, Brandon Lloyd, Andre Carter, Adam Archuleta, Al Saunders, and Tom Cruise.

With “crafty veteran” Mark Brunell leading the offense behind a great group of lunch pail style blockers and a Gregg Williams schemed defense on the other side of the ball, this team looks very, very good. 

Except, they are in the NFC East where just about anything can happen.

T.O. may choke Bill Parcells in Dallas; the Giants may go 2-14 because of the schedule; the Eagles may pass on every down; hell, the kid in the photo is getting ready for the aliens to land in the NFC east to reshuffle the standings by their whim.  And it is because of all of this, that the Redskins may end up anywhere from first to last.  It’s all just so unknowable…

Dallas Cowboys

You’d think that adding one of the most talented wide receivers in the game would catapult the Cowboys into instant Super Bowl contenders. It might but not when his name is asspicker initials are T.O.

As johnnyhongkong points out, the NFL is the league that knows irony and the whole T.O. saga for the past 10 months is brimming with it. Not only was T.O. given a long T(ime) O(ut) for his childish shenanigans in Philadelphia but he also ends up in Dallas, the city where he transformed from Terrell Owens to “T.O.,” the man for whom the phrase “Team Cancer” was coined for.

Full disclosure: as a lifelong Packers fan, I’ve hated him ever since “the Catch II” in the 1999 Wild Card game when Owens caught Steve Young’s pass in triple coverage in the end zone as time ran out. That was ridiculous. Not only did Young almost fall, he game should have been over because Rice fumbled but was ruled “down by contact.” Ridiculous, I tell you.

So yeah, the Cowboys…

It’ll be interesting for sure to see what happens with the Cowboys. They have playmakers on offense. Now if only their line can move around enough to block for the very unfleet of foot Drew Bledsoe and to open holes for stud in waiting Julius Jones. I know his batting average is 100% but I still want to know if there is a line is on T.O. destroying the Cowboys and whether or not Bledsoe and Parcells can keep the cancer in check (my guess is that meditation and yoga won’t work and that more aggressive therapies will be needed).

Big D actually has a dual meaning this year – not only does it refer to Dallas but it also refers to Big Defense. Led by a solid linebacking corps who will fly around and make plays this year, the D will keep games close should “the cancer” start and begin eating away at the offense. Did you know that last year cornerback Terrence Howard allowed ZERO touchdowns? And did you know that safety Roy Williams jacked up a receiver on more than one occasion?

Thanks to the schedule makers, the Cowboys are our favorites to win the NFC East.