St. Louis Rams

You know what they are singing in St. Louis?

Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.

And they would of course be referring to Mike “All Pass, All Day” Martz. Former Minnesota and Miami offensive coordinator (the Culpepper/Moss years and the Frerotte year respectively) Scott Linehan looks to rein in the pass wacky St. Louis offense and bring some balance back to the Greatest Show on Turf.

He’s got the personnel to do it, too. Steven Jackson is one big back who’ll be hard to bring down. With defenses loading the box to stop Jackson, Linehan will then be able to use the skills of Marc Bulger, Torry Holt and Issac Bruce (slowed considerably but still dangerous) to stretch the field to much greater effect.

The Rams will score no doubt, but questions remain as to whether they can stay healthy and if they will be able to stop opposing teams from scoring as well. They’ll improve on their 6-10 record from last year but whether or not they make the wild card depends on Jim Haslett bringing some order to the defense.

Seattle Seahawks

I have three words for all you Seahawk fans drunk on salmon, hoping for a return to the big dance: Madden Cover Curse.

Dating back to 1999, football players to have graced the Madden video game cover have had off years or have suffered season ending injuries. Who wants to bet that the departure of guard Steve Hutchinson to Minnesota will deflate Shaun Alexander’s out of this world stats from last year? Or maybe Hutchinson’s replacement will miss a key block that will send Alexander to IR.

It’ll be ironic if it happens because the Seattle offensive line is still by far the team’s greatest strength. If Alexander can nimbly avoid the curse like he’s able to elude tacklers, you can be sure that Walter Jones and company will certainly do their best to open up holes in opposing defensive lines. I mean, not only do these guys pave the road for Alexander, they also give Matt Hasselbeck the time to be Mr. Boring but Dreadfully Efficient in the Pocket.

The defense returns aged but solid players. The addition of Julian Peterson will add more athleticism to their linebacking corps which already boasts a mean Pacific Islander named Lofa Tatupu. And Ken Hamlin’s return bolsters their secondary.

So unless Alexander goes by way of the cover curse, the Seahawks win the West. Even if he goes down with the curse, the Seahawks will most likely win the West because, well, it’s a weak division. They may not be super exciting but they are good.

Detroit Lions

When in the HELL is Matt Millen going to be fired? Watching this guy run a football operation is like watching a bad lover try to find the G-Spot: “That’s not it. Wrong again. Damn it! Here, just watch me do it!”

I’m just astounded as to why the ownership in the Motor City is so enamored with this guy. Any city that has given us Motown deserves to have a good football team. I get hot just thinkin’ of those nasty grooves.

New head coach Rod Marinelli should finally start to get the Lions disciplined–Military Style! Mike Martz is in town to ‘Just deal with the offense’ which is great news for everyone in the organization. He’s got a veteran Qb in Jon Kitna coming in and a darn good tailback in Kevin Jones. I personally think before the year is out you’re going to see a crazy Irishman by the name of McCown throwing some long balls to Roy Williams, if he can stay healthy.

BTW–Where’s Charles Rodgers? Oh yeah, GONE as in CUT after 3 beautiful seasons (Another great pick by Millen) Mike Williams needs to be switched to TE or just let go (Millen pick again) New Defensive Coordinator Donnie Henderson has his work cut out for him as the Lions allowed an average of 127 yards per game rushing and 61% completion percentage.

Many people are thinking this is going to be the surprise team of the NFC this year–I’ll believe it when I see it. They start the year off with Seattle and Chicago, then have the Fish, Pats, Falcons, and Cowboys to contend with throughout the season. Best they’ll do is 7-9, but they will be a much smoother 7-9 than anybody else in the league. Given time they might just get this squad headed in the right direction. That is of course if the Ghost of Jimmy Hoffa can find a way to escort Mr. Millen out of the tri-state area!

Miami Dolphins

You know what scares me about the Dolphins? It’s that they almost won the AFC East last year with Gus Frerotte as their quarterback. This year, they’ve upgraded to Daunte Culpepper.

Now you might say that Culpepper may not be the same quarterback he was back in his MVP year in Minnesota, which may or may not be true but in all honesty, I don’t care if Culpepper is playing in a wheelchair and is on a respirator, he’s still better than Gus Frerotte.

Adding Culpepper to a team of playmakers like Chris Chambers, Randy McMichael, and Ronnie Brown, with perhaps the most underrated offensive line in the NFL, and you get a team that’s going to score points.

Now can they stop others from scoring on them? Like his mentor Bill Belichick, Nick Saban, a defensive minded coach, may need to take a long hard look at his corners. Adding Will Allen helps but the secondary is still soft and sieve like. The good news is that up the middle, the defense looks solid (especially Jason Taylor.  He’s dreamy).

I’ll say it right now: if Culpepper comes back to MVP form and Saban can do something about his secondary, the Dolphins are my dark horse pick for the Super Bowl.

Chicago Bears

Chicago is ‘My kind of Town’– Great food, architecture, people, and of course ‘Da Bears’! Not many sports organizations have the history and prestige that the Bears have. All you have to say is George Halas, Mike Ditka, Gale Sayers, Walter Payton–You get the picture… Oh, BTW 1986– Has it really been 20 years since I was in love with a 5th grade QB who idolized Jim McMahon (shown here mooning the press at Super Bowl XX) and went by the nickname ‘Hollywood’? It certainly has. Now that boy was a cutie–Dark brown hair, rebel smile, and boy did he knew how to move offensively! I wonder if I could flip through my little black book (Yes, girls have them too) and see if he can still wing it downfield.

It’s the 20th anniversary of the baddest QB and D the league has produced in the last 25 years and the Natives are getting restless. Are we ever going to get back there? These are the whispers you hear from every Chi-Town fan across the country.

My answer– Not with the QB’s you have and the inability to Wing it Downfield. Let’s face it the Bears have a tremendous Defense, not nearly as great as the 1986 crew but then who does. They are still weak in the secondary, as exposed by the Panthers last January, and if there are any injuries to Mr. Urlacher things could get messy fast. Boy do they hit you though and that D-Line is fabulous. With this D they will always be in every game but it all comes back to that QB thing. We all know it takes a good one to get you far. All these so called experts like to think you can get by with ‘just managing games’ these days. What a load of S…

The fact is until you can do more than just give the ball to Thomas Jones, who is a good one and should be the starter, you are never going to make a real push for the Super Bowl again. Rex Grossman has a nice arm and a little Florida attitude but I’m afraid to say he’s a little bit of a china doll and personally he looks too much like that Mike Tomzcak guy you used to have… They look like they should be in a ‘Boy Band’ together not picking up the blitz with a Z-80 Slant over the middle for Six points! Brian Griese is the next in line of what you continue to have there– Middle age white guys who can’t throw very well and definitely can’t shake it on the bootlegs. I think I just found that ‘Hollywood’ kid’s phone number–I’ll give it to you midway through that brutal stretch in November when the Bears will really suffer from the Defense being on the field too long due to the QB’s passes falling incomplete in the East Coast winds.

I’m not part of this bandwagon who thinks they are going to duplicate what they did last year. Let’s face it–Other teams made some major improvements to their overall depth and the Bears didn’t. However they will battle the Vikes for the NFC North Title and if Rex can somehow Grow up and become a Man and the D stays healthy you Chi-Town natives could be singin’ along with ‘Ol Blue Eyes’ at Ditka’s well into January!